Have you ever fixed something to the point where you wish you hadn't fixed it because it no longer needs you now that it's fixed?

I totally did that. I fixed it with the intent of it realizing how awesome I am for fixing it. Unfortunately I fixed it and now its totally content with where it is now.

At least Im good at what I do, right? I just fix things for people and then the people disappear because Im no longer necessary. They say that the goal of social work is to work oneself out of a job. I guess I reached my goal once again...

I think I need to be needed.

How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?

They really don't change. Even if you think they're going to, they just plain don't. When something is spelled out to you there's not much you can do to change it. I always think things are going to go however I want them to in the end. Unfortunately for me, I just keep kidding myself. It's hard to always have impossible expectations. I can't control other people, the things in their heads, or how they think of me. I guess I don't like feeling out of control all the time. I want to tell people how to think about me. I want to sell myself to others in the way I see myself. I want to decide for them how they feel about me. I see things in my life and people in my life that I want to determine for myself. I feel like my perspective of the goings on of my life is some kind of illusion and what I expect or want to happen never will.

Graduate school is starting soon and I'm deeply in love with the ear right now. I'm trying to push those things to the front of my mind. That stuff is more important than anything else. Focusing is hard in the fall when my mind starts speeding up and everything starts spinning. I'm going to take a bunch of medicine tonight and tomorrow and hopefully things will slow down some. Sometimes I love the way this feels and sometimes I can't stand it and I feel trapped. It feels like an ache in my chest.

I wish my illusions would work out this time.

EDIT: They never do - Everything always gets fucked up!

I feel like everyone is growing up without me. People are getting married, having babies, and getting big people jobs. Im going to more college, am perpetually single, and making more friends that are significantly younger than me. I thought things would change when I got back here. Maybe things will change when I get to graduate school. However, the people I graduated with will be there too and they're all younger than me. I feel like it will be a repeat of Mt Pleasant. That, or I will be the only person not married or in some kind of serious relationship. It kind of sucks being the single person. Im not so much longing for a boyfriend, just to be in the same place as everyone else my age. I dont feel old enough to get married or anything, but it seems like thats the thing to do.

Michelle's wedding was beautiful. My dumb ass cried several times. When she danced with her father all I could think about was who I would dance with at my wedding. I dont have a father anymore. I asked my uncle when I was in high school to walk me down the aisle if I get married one day. The thing is, he is old too. I wonder sometimes if he will still be around whenever I get married. If he is gone, am I going to be a lonely looking bride walking down the aisle by myself? My cousin is getting married next year. My grandmother is having so much fun helping plan the damned thing. I feel like a disappointment because Im probably not going to get married in her lifetime. Sometimes Im scared my mom wont last until I find someone to marry. On the other hand, I have an 85% divorce rate because Im bipolar. That being the case, is it worth it? Should I start saving money for a divorce lawyer while Im saving money for a wedding?

Why do all the men I meet have girlfriends? I meet nice guys that want to be my friend, but they all have girlfriends. How am I supposed to meet men that dont have girlfriends? All of the above things except getting a big girl job require meeting a guy without a girlfriend. Maybe if I just get through grad school and get a big girl job, I wont want to meet any guys. I should just focus on school.

I got my internship for this year. I am at the 30th Judicial Circuit Court Family Division in Lansing. I will be working with delinquent kids. Kids werent my first choice, but I think I will like it. Its not so much the kids Im worried about working with as it is the parents. What parent wants to listen to a 24 year old with no children tell them how to parent? The kids I think I can have a good rapport with.

Im going up to Mt Pleasant on Saturday to visit my little. Im glad Im going back there. I miss my sorority sisters. They all talk on the Facebook and sometimes I feel left out because Im not going back this year. I know I wasnt most peoples favorite person, but before I felt like I was at least accepted and that I belonged there. At least Michelle and Katy still like me. I should call Chelle and see how Arizona is going for her. I should probably call a lot of people. Im bad about that.

I leave for New York in 10 days. Im going to stay with Sarah for two and a half weeks. I was just there at the end of May, but I felt human there. I felt like I belonged with her friends and with Karen. I felt smart and social. I had more confidence. Here I feel alone and kind of pointless. Sarah is so confident and that amazes me. Not that she shouldnt be. Its just that Im so not confident. I look up to her a lot. Karen too, really. She is really successful and so bright. I want to be successful and smart. Right now I feel scattered and fat. I think I will feel more successful when I start grad school and my internship and get a job. I think the feeling fat part will be a part of my life forever. I should just get used to it, or find a way to convince myself that I like working out (which I dont). I need a work out buddy that is motivated. Maybe I just need some motivation in general.

Im excited for all the things coming up for me right now. Me and my big red hand bag are going to New York and then Im coming home and becoming a functional graduate student. Its time. I just wish I was growing up faster. I always have wished that. I guess all you can do is grow one day at a time.

Too bad days dont go faster.

I am sitting at my desk in my new basement room. Its cold down here. They told me it would be cold. I said I didnt care. I brought slippers down so my toes wouldnt freeze. I probably should have brought a sweater too. I like this room though. I have two couches and a daybed couch, my computer desk, a television and my video games (which I would rather be playing than doing what I am supposed to be doing), and my new laser printer. The printer spits out 23 pages per minute! No more 10 cents a page copies at school!

I am avoiding my policy paper. I spent the last few weeks of undergrad avoiding this paper and now I am avoiding it again during the summer. I need to rewrite parts of it and add some stuff that I was stupid to leave out. Susan said I need to read more than I did the first time. She said to just print shit and read it even if it might not seem relevant because the more I read the better I will understand the situation. Im not too sure about that, but I figure all I can do is try it. Supposedly it will help me write and research better when graduate school starts this fall.

Michelle's wedding is this weekend. I am going there Friday evening. The rehearsal and the dinner are then. Im nervous for all of it. I suppose I will just be hanging on to Kimmie and Robin like crazy because Chelle will be busy with getting married. My dress ended up looking really nice though. I hope it ends up being as fun as everyone says weddings are. I kind of think they're depressing. It feels like Im losing my friend. Its kind of like when people get a real job or get married they are in a very separate part of the life process than I am. I feel like they are more grown up than I am or something. Im still going to college. I am living in my mother's house, typing and printing articles in her basement. My friends here are all younger than me and in a different part of their lives. Some people are starting medical school and Im afraid I will never see them again. Its selfish, I know that. I just dont want to be alone, left in the dust reading articles for school and working at an internship for free.

I really hope I get to go back to New York next month. I am kind of scared of that too, but anything is better than sitting on my ass here. What will I do in the heat for all those days? Will the food pantries need my help? Will I sit in Sarah's apartment reading books all day while she's at work? I should learn to worry less. It would probably make my life last longer. Then again, my friend Liz says that life lasting so long these days is artificial selection. I think I am okay with being artificially selected though.

I wish the condensation in my watch would go away.

I'm really bad at transitions. I graduated from Central a few weeks ago and I moved back to the EL and into my mother's house. I havent lived here in two years and it feels strange. I dont have many friends here anymore.

I truly thought my heart was going to stay in Mt Pleasant attached to the sorority and my friends there. I still love everyone and I miss them, but I already feel myself moving on from that part of my life. I am starting to gather that I will not be one of those girls that shows up for every large sorority event. Im going to try to go for a few things because I want to meet my grand little and be part of her experience. I am just past it.

I spent a long weekend in New York City with my friend Sarah. I also got to hang out with my friend Karen who I havent seen in around 5 years. Spending time with them made me really miss having friends my own age and older who have their shit together and are just really fucking smart. I havent spent much time with either of those girls in a long time, but it was kind of like they'd never left me. I felt content knowing they were my friends. The last time I remember being truly happy with my friends and constantly having fun is when I was hanging out with that group of people my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. It is hard to make friends and I feel like it would be easier to move to New York than to try to find friends here again.

I always dreamed of growing up. I always wanted to be done with undergrad and be old. So far, its complicated. I dont like transitions so much. I just feel different. Things that were super exciting a few weeks ago just are not exciting anymore. I just dont really care. The stuff I thought was so important while I was at Central is kind of stupid. Sarah said it seems like I am still searching for my identity. I wish that were not the case, but it is true. I wonder when I will figure it out.

I wish it werent so gloomy.

I graduate from college in three weeks. May 9th 2009 to be exact. (though they should probably withhold my diploma for grammar like that) As per usual I have contracted severe end of semester anxiety/adhd/warped brain disease. I cant read my articles or write my paper. The words run all over the pages. My roommate's sink turns on and I look at the wall that connects my bathroom with hers where the sound is occurring. I keep eating too much of the wrong thing even though I try to just eat my cereal. Three slurpees in one week is probably enough calories to gain ten pounds. I think when they tell me I need to drink more fluids they mean water. Oops.

Today all my sisters are out tailgating for the spring football game. I am sitting in my room, which is suffocatingly warm, trying to read 50 pages of advocacy textbook. Even my highlighter, which usually keeps me focused, is laying on my bed seemingly as depressed as I feel. I want to be outside too, even if it is just to watch people get wasted and hauled off in ambulances. Its a good day to NOT go to the emergency room, so I suppose I will try my best not to go running or catch pneumonia today.

Im so bored that I thought about texting that boy today just to get a little excitement into my existence. Seeing his name on my phone makes me a little happy, even if the point behind the texting is definitely not worth it. I guess its just something to pretend to be excited about. Then I thought of my sorority sister, Alexis and how she told me I deserve better than that. I opted not to send the text message. That still might change, but Im trying to be better than that. I dont think I am much better than that right now though. Writing papers about advocacy, health care policy, and family paradigms just is not stimulating my brain at all.

I complain too much. I know I do. Sometimes I cant think of anything good to say. I know you arent supposed to say anything at all when that happens, but being silent so long is a bit boring.
Good things in my life right now include:
Giving sex therapy lecture this coming Wednesday
Giving mental health speech this coming Thursday
My little getting initiated into Phi Mu this coming Friday
Senior Appreciation Week next week in Phi Mu
Graduation May 9th
Being a new scheduler at the Ear
Going to NYC to see Sarah and Jess May 21st
Going to graduate school

Bad things in my life right now include:
Health care policy paper
Susan's reader assignment
Initiation Week events every night next week
Going to my internship for two more weeks
My job ending
Saying goodbye to my friends
Moving back to East Lansing
Living with my mother
My brain malfunctioning
Gaining weight
The mess in my room
So many people getting married and leaving me

Why do you think that is anyway? People get married and the single people disappear from their lives. Do they think they're more grown up than I am? Do they only want to be with other married people? Do they think Im uncomfortable that they're married? I dont care if you're dating, married, or just screwing each other. I just want my friends. I also do not want to spend the next year of my life listening to my family plan my cousin's wedding. Do they think I care where the damned thing is, or what they're serving for dinner? Im not bitter. I just dont care. Im happy for her, she has waited a long time. I just dont want to listen to it for a year. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but if that is the case, not much has changed. Im going to go turn on a fan and try to convince my devastatingly suicidal highlighter to put down the gun and read about advocacy.

Sometimes school really sucks.

Now it's my turn! This time Im the one that couldn't care less :)

So, I am getting a little sister in my sorority on Monday. I've been doing all of these art projects for her gifts for the rest of the semester. I made her a time capsule, a box for her pin, a pillow out of a tshirt, and a picture frame. I still have to print out an inspirational quote to put in a little frame I bought. I also am not finished with her scrapbook. I really despise scrapbooking. I printed a bunch of photos for the scrapbook this weekend. I am going to scrapbook with a friend tonight and again tomorrow. I have to have the whole thing finished, with the pages in covers and the book covered in batting and fabric by Monday at 9pm!!! Im excited to have a little in Phi Mu now. Shes a really great girl. Anyway... I may be getting a visitor this afternoon, thus I am off.

Epic fail = scrapbooking.

Enough said?

I scrawled seven pages in my workshop journal during policy
class yesterday night. My mind just wouldnt quit. Its a lot
better today, but obviously its not completely gone. Im
still playing the same song on repeat, which is never a good
sign. I still think feeling like this is better than feeling
nothing at all most of the time. It does drive me a little
crazy feeling my stomach flip flop around and my chest get
that weird tight feeling, like when you're anticipating
something really exciting. The feeling is a mix between
happy and scared to death.

Of course this is all because of a boy, it always is. In
2004 he wrote in this very journal, when he used to have one,
telling me to be strong. He said he wasnt the smartest guy
in the world. At that moment I thought he was. Later that
same year he took me out so I wouldnt be alone while Andrew
was gone. He was my knight in shining armor that day. We
all went to a concert in Grand Rapids one time and he
protected me in a mosh pit. We lost touch for a long time
while he was busy using drugs. Last year he found me and we
reconnected. He kissed me that day. In December this year
he cheated on his girlfriend to be with me. Last week he
said he wants to see me again. I want to see him, too. just
wish I knew why he wanted to see me again. His girlfriend is
prettier than I am and thinner. Why would he want to be with
me???

God, he just texted! Right this minute. Saturday, hes going
to see me on Saturday. Saturday is valentines day...
Shouldnt he be with that girlfriend? At least I will
remember valentines day 09. At least I dont have to worry
that he doesnt really want to see me. He made plans with me
now. I just wish I would stop being such a girl and stop
feeling attached to him. I want to be one of those girls
thats not all complicated in the head and just goes with
things. I try to be like that really hard, but sometimes I
just cant help the questions that plague my brain. Those of
you that read this shit, I really love you. Just knowing
somebody knows how I am feeling makes it a little better.

Here's to life... L'chiam.

Fuck you graduate school admissions committee! I got denied entrance to the one year program I applied for. Now I have to wait and see if they let me in to the two year program. I got this fucking fancy degree at Central so I could do the one year program. If I wanted to do the two year program I could have gotten a degree in fucking art history and still become a social worker. I hate you all!!! Nobody cares how hard I work, or how many things I gave up to try for this. Nobody cares about anything but a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper and I hate that!!! My grade point average, which is not even bad, is not representative of my intelligence or how hard I work! FUCK YOU!!!

Sometimes I really hate my life.

I was getting ready to look up how to blow shit up so I could watch my internship go up in flames. Somebody saved it instead. I will not be doing anymore laundry at my internship! I might actually get something educational out of it now. It is kind of past time for that to happen.

I am going to take a little sister in my sorority. I fought with my mom about it for a long time. She thinks it is a waste of money because Im graduating. But somebody spent their money on me, and I love to make people happy. I want to make another girl's Phi Mu experience happy like mine has been. I know I dont have a ton of money, and I dont have a ton of extra time, but I would like to make some time and buy her a cute bag and make a scrapbook even though I hate scrapbooking. People like those things. Plus, it would be fun to have someone make me a paddle after Ive made two. I dont know if anyone will pick me though.

Im going to my big sister's birthday party tonight. Its a huge house party with her roommate's friends. I hate house parties, but it's Michelle's birthday party, so I am going for her. I just hope people dont get too crazy.

Im so busy lately I dont have time to breathe. I like it when I am busy, but sometimes I wonder if Im doing too much. I only have time to do homework on the weekends and for an hour or so on Monday and Thursday nights. Makes my weekend tons of fun. In reality, Im relatively content though. Im doing functional things and Im going to graduate in 3 months. It is kind of surreal that after 6 years I am really going to have a bachelors degree. I was the only one who thought I would make it. I mailed my grad school application and now I have to wait until April to hear if I made it into graduate school. I really hope I do. School is my life, and honestly I dont want my life to be over so soon.

Back to the grind that is homework.

Happy President Obama inauguration day!

Im tired of coughing. Ive been coughing for over a week now. I coughed from late mid September until November last semester. I sound like a diseased freak. Besides being embarrassing, it hurts my body. Im doing what the doctors said to do, but its just not going away. The lung doctor wont see me until March even though Im having lung issues now. I hate how this works out. My head doctor says to work out a few times a week. Then when Im finally committed to working out and such, my lungs stop working and I cant do it anymore.

Im going to go hack up a lung now.

My HEV 213 class, Human Sexuality, gave a lot of statistics about all things sex. I dont remember the exact number from this one, but here it is in basic format. Most women do not orgasm during hook ups while men nearly always do.

I guess I used to think I was above that hook up business. Or maybe it was that I thought I couldnt handle the rejection of being with someone once and then never again. Maybe I was right. Unfortunately/fortunately I cant take it back now. It was supposed to happen in August of 2007, but I guess we both chickened out. Not that it was actually said, it was just assumed. Over a year later he came back to me.

Was it worth it? Yes. Apparently we had both been waiting for that day since I was 18 and he was 17. December 29, 2008 compared to September of 2003? I guess you could say it was a long time coming.

Does my dumb female heart feel strange? Yes. Is my brain trying to replay the whole thing over and over again with the intent of torturing me? Yes. Is it all working against me? Yes. Should I have done it? Probably not, but I suppose its all part of the culture of my generation. Nobody waits for a relationship anymore. If that is the case, why should I? Obviously, that was my mantra about this situation.

I will look back fondly and laugh about this in a few weeks when my mind lets go of it.

For now, I've become a statistic.

It is starting to amaze me how tolerable people are of mistreatment. My friend came to visit me yesterday and we talked for a while. The person he is in love with (who is not in love with him) has him visit her. She allows him to do nice things for her and she rewards him with a sexual relationship. So, why if he is good enough to hang out with, take things from, and sleep with, is he not good enough to be her boyfriend?!

I dont know what is appealing about this to people. It seems to happen all the time and the people it is happening to just seem to think that the more they give the evil asshole what they want that the evil asshole will fall madly in love.

Guess the fuck what, people!!! That fuck-head DOES NOT love you. When people love you they want to scream from the top of their lungs that you're their significant other. When people love you they give you things you need too.

I wish those assholes would get hit by cars and die. Since that probably is not going to happen any time soon... I wish the innocent people getting violated by those assholes would stand up for themselves. You all are worth more than these people are giving you. You deserve to give yourself all that extra energy you are wasting on this jerk.

So you will feel sad for a while because the "love of your life" is not in your life anymore. But honestly, that person is not worth your time. So cry if you have to cry. Eat a few pints of ice cream and then jog 4 miles so you dont get too fat. Call me on the phone at 3am when the urge to call that person is so strong you cant stand it. Do something to save yourself. One day you will find out that your life can be whole without that fuck up.

I hope that day comes soon.

I know it is not normal to have someone be nice to you and have this really strong urge to tell them how much you appreciate their kindness.

I went to an exclusive party at the fraternity where my big sister is the sweetheart in Alma last night. All the fraternity men there were nice to me. They all said hello and asked my name. Several of them even remembered it throughout the night. They talked to me, laughed at my jokes and one boy even danced with me more than one time. He invited me and another girl back to his place. We didnt go so we could stay with our friends though. That boy didnt treat me like the fat girl. He didnt seem to be nice to me just because I was Michelle's little. I mean, he touched me like I was a normal girl. I havent been a normal girl since I was 19 years old when Zak and Ben used to hit on me and play silly games with me. That was the last time people noticed me and thought I deserved attention. ''

I learned quickly that it freaks people out when you tell them you appreciate their kindness. They look at you funny like they dont understand. Im sure they dont understand. Im sure they never have to worry that people wont notice them. I was even with pretty girls and people talked to me. When Im home dancing with Rachael nobody talks to me. These guys are really quality people. I really think I went to the wrong school. Smart people seem to be a lot nicer than stupid people. I went to stupid people school. If I went to smart people school nobody would care if I look different or that I use words that intimidate the people at my school. I was just another sorority girl.

Nobody knows how grateful I am for having people remember my name or dancing with me or touching me. The whole thing made me feel so happy.

Thank you Sigma Chi boys from Alma. You made my existence a little bit better for a few moments.

I always do this thing where I get my hopes up way high. Then I get disappointed. So Im trying not to do it. I will still be really sad if he doesnt come. I know he was all fucked up when we talked. It didnt stop me from feeling really fucking happy though. I took a huge handful of medicine so I could sleep. I want to trust him, but Im not sure I can. We talked for an hour, but people that are sick like me arent always the most reliable folks. Not that I dont love them, but I try not to count on them to be places when they say they will. My heart hurts from anxiety. Every time I think about it my heart races; sometimes with excitement and sometimes with fear.

Besides all of that - I was finally the victim of rage. I feel desperately badly about all the people I screamed at over the years; about all the people I hurt or drove crazy. At first it stung terribly. I was mildly devastated. Then suddenly I realized what was happening. I recognized the way he was targeting things about me that he knew would hurt me, the way I used to do. He blamed me for everything that ever happened. I knew I wasnt at fault for any of it, the problems were his actions. I thought about telling him to fuck off and walking away from the toxicity that I dont need in my life. Then I remembered how awful it felt when everyone walked out on me. If anyone understands him, its me. I've lived it. Sometimes I still live it. So I stuck with it. I told him he couldnt hurt me. I told him he can beat himself up all he wants and I wont try to stop him. I told him he could beat me up and I wont leave. I told him that he can ruminate all he wants and I know its not okay right now. He was angry at me. I left it at that. He called me to apologize for being a dick. I used to do that too. I would go find the people I screamed at and say I was so sorry. I didnt really know what I was saying. It just erupted from my brain out my mouth. I know he cant help it. It was just really stunning to be the victim after all these years. If he actually does what he says and stays friends with me, Im sure it will happen again. It always happens again.

My heart hurts and I cant stop it. Maybe buying food so I can eat again will help... Havent had food in here in a week.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" - Robert Frost

School is attempting to kick my ass. Eleven weeks in and I feel like Im not going to make it through the next five. Ive been to the hospital 4 times this semester and missed a bunch of class. I mean, at least I had a good reason to miss class for once. Ive missed a ton of hours at my internship (which I hate) and I dont know if Im going to be able to make them up without working 9 hour days again. I can hardly stand to be there for 7 hours much less suffer through 9!

Im mad that I got placed in domestic violence services. I did not ask for that placement. Someone else got the placements I wanted. Now Im getting this horribly bad experience where Im learning nothing useful. As much as I know otherwise, I feel like my faculty hates me. My placement makes me wonder if this is the career I want. It makes me wonder if I am getting the right degree after 6 years of school. That is so not the way it is supposed to be.

On another note... I was browsing the facebook bumper sticker application and seriously saw more stickers about best friends than I saw about anything else. It made me acutely aware that I do not have a best friend. I havent had a best friend in several years. Then I looked at some peoples' photos and noticed that I dont have any of those photos where everyone is acting crazy and looks genuinely happy. I know part of that is because people arent wasted in my photos, but still, it makes me seem boring and mildly friendless. I dont really feel friendless, but I kind of know that I am a little bit. Supposedly I dont talk to people often enough and its my fault that I dont have closer friends. I guess I just dont think to call people. I hang out by myself a lot. For some reason I dont think to call anyone and no one thinks to call me either.

I worry that Im always going to be alone. If I dont start being more social I might end up hanging out by myself so much that I dont have anyone left. I guess I have to be more proactive, even when I dont really want to be. Sacrifice... Strange, most people dont think of being social as a sacrifice. Maybe thats whats wrong with me. Oh well.

Time to kick ass back.

Ugh. I am not used to this. People came to the choir concert today wearing huge earrings, rubber bracelets and hair ties around their wrists, and open toe shoes. The man almost let them go on stage like that. A student reminded him that people needed to take the shit off their arms! Then when they acknowledged the accompanist people behind me clapped while they were on the damn stage. The girl in front of me when we were walking on the risers stepped up at the same time as the girl in front of her. I cant believe these people are in college and still dont know how to behave at a performance. It makes me a little sick. Some of these people are music majors! I guess Im just appalled by the idiocy. Unfortunately I cant fucking read music well enough to get into the chamber choir with people that actually know what they're doing! Stupid shit really. If I hear it enough I can sing it just fine! Who needs to be able to sight sing?! (Im not really dumb, I know I should be able to sight sing) Im just frustrated. I have to go back for the next concert in an hour and a half to have them do it all over again. If only I had never met Mary Alice - then I wouldnt know how awful every other choir I see is. The director tells us how excellent we are but then I hear people sitting on the ends of words and breathing in the middle of sentences. I mean, this guy has a PhD, he has to know that there is very little that is excellent about the choir. Oh well, thats enough ranting. I suppose I can just look forward to the festival chorus concert at the end of next month. Yay for requiems and glorias!